Totem Animal: Deer

Tonight, my friend Casey and I were talking about how she discovered her spirit guide/animal during her yoga teacher training. I was very curious about what mine was, so she got out her Medicine Cards and handed them to me. I held them, shuffled them, focused on the kind of person I wanted to be and about what kind of life I wanted to live, I focused on what was important to me (being a good mom someday, a good wife, a good daughter, and loving my friends and the people around me as much as I could), and then I flipped a card over. 

I drew Deer. 

When I drew the card, it was Contrary (upside down), but I'll get to that. 

While I don't think I live up to what Deer is yet (the Contrary is definitely more where my life is right now), it is what I want my life to be like. 

Here's what the book, Medicine Cards, says about Deer.

Deer (Gentleness):

One day Fawn heard Great Spirit calling to her from the top of Sacred Mountain. Fawn immediately started up the trail. She did not know that a horrible demon guarded the way to Great Spirit's lodge. The demon was trying to keep all the beings of creation from connecting with Great Spirit. He wanted all of Great Spirit's creatures to feel that Great Spirit did not want to be disturbed. This would make the demon fell powerful, and capable of causing them to fear him.

Fawn was not at all frightened when she came upon the demon. This was curious, as the demon was the archetype of all the ugly monsters that have ever been. The demon breathed fire and smoke and made disgusting sounds to frighten Fawn. Any normal creature would have fled or died on the spot from fright.

Fawn, however, said gently to the demon, "Please let me pass. I am on the way to see Great Spirit."

Fawn's eyes were filled with love and compassion for this oversized bully of a demon. The demon was astounded by Fawn's lack of fear. No matter how he tried, he could not frighten Fawn, because her love had penetrated his hardened, ugly heart.

Much to demon's dismay, his rock-hard heart began to melt, and his body shrank to the size of a walnut. Fawn's persistent love and gentleness had caused the melt-down of the demon. Due to this gentleness and caring that Fawn embodied, the pathway was now clear for all of Great Spirit's children to reach Sacred Mountain without having to feel the demons of fear blocking their way.

Deer teaches us to use the power of gentleness to touch the hearts and minds of wounded beings who are trying to keep us from Sacred Mountain. Like the dappling Fawn's coat, both the light and dark may be loved to create gentleness and safety for those who are seeking peace.

If Deer has gently nudged its way into your life today, you are being asked to find the gentleness of spirit that heals all wounds. Stop pushing so hard to get others to change, and love them as they are. Apply gentleness to your present situation and become like the summer breeze: warm and caring. This is your tool for solving the present dilemma you are facing. If you use it, you will connect with Sacred Mountain, your centering place of serenity, and Great Spirit will guide you.

When you draw a card upside down (Contrary), it means something a little different. I drew Deer Contrary, rather than just Deer. Here's what the book had to say. When I initially read it, I couldn't help but laugh at how true this was for my life. Somehow, reading it shone light on some issues of mine that I haven't seen a way to get away from. I think this is going to help me immensely, and I'm so excited about that!

Contrary:

Deer in the contrary position indicates that you are courting your fear by fighting the internal demons of negative ideas. This is a clue to you that force is not always the best method. You may not be willing to love yourself enough to feel your fears and let them go. You may be projecting your fears on others. It may also be others whom you fear, reminding you of a time when you reacted to life in much the same manner. At any rate, love is the key. The only true balance to power is the love and compassion of Deer. Be willing to find things to love about yourself and others, and your demons will melt away. Your fears cannot exist in the same place that love and gentleness abide.

Remember, Fawn can teach you many lessons about unconditional love. In its true application, unconditional love means that no strings are attached. The gentleness of Fawn is the heart-space of Great Spirit which embodies Great Spirit's love for us all.

If you know me at all, you'll know that this speaks so loudly to me about my life.

I struggle with loving myself, and with fears that are based around others loving me, every single day without exception.

How interesting and wonderful to read this and hear it so clearly in my heart.

Overview:

As a power animal, Deer stresses that there are other ways than force, and shows that there is a power in the gentle word and touch, and that strength comes through caring.

You are confronted by those whose attitudes cause you pain and sorrow, and sometimes even fear. But it is they who are the wounded ones, and whoever tries to help them will only make matters worse. To soothe them you must touch their hearts with the healing balm of the gentle spirit and the embrace of kindness.

Deer teaches the need for compassion and kindness towards others and yourself. Don't drive yourself so harshly! Be gentle with yourself, and you will cease to project your fears onto others. Deer is a power animal that is directing you towards a serenity of heart, mind and spirit. Gentleness has the power to melt a heart of stone.

Be gentle with yourself and offer kindess to all living things.

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

So often in life, I find myself with stressors (some that exist only in my mind) piling on my shoulders. 

Work. Chores. Relationships. 

Inadequacies. Jealousies. 

Deadlines. Life goals.

These things pile up so high that I feel like I'll be crushed under their weight. My body reacts physically, as if those things in my heart and in my head are real, tangible weights that have been strapped to me. My trapezius muscles get so tight it feels like they might snap. My shoulders curl in toward the front of my body. I grind my teeth and furrow my brow until my head throbs. I'm so tense all over that my bones seem to ache.

When I'm on my yoga mat, I can let go of all that tension, at least for the hour or so that my mat is my home. It's taken about nine months for me to get to the place where my mat is somewhere I run to feel better, but now that it is that place, I want to be there as often as I can.

Last week, my yoga instructor, Stephanie, taught us a mantra that one of her instructors had taught her. 

"Inhale. Exhale. Repeat." 

No matter what's going on in your head, no matter what's going on in your heart, you can inhale, exhale, and repeat. 

Our breath keeps us alive. In yoga, we practice pranayama, which means "extension of the breath," or "extension of the life force." We begin most classes with different deep breathing exercises that fill our lungs up and empty them completely. It's amazing how different I feel after this part of class. My whole body feels lighter, and those burdens from before melt away a little at a time until I'm fully present on my mat. I use my time on my mat to stretch myself physically, but also to stretch myself psychologically. I take control of my thoughts and my feelings for that hour and rest in stillness, even when I'm moving through different poses/asanas...or falling down.

But then, at the end of class, I have to say Namaste, stand up, roll up my mat, and head back out into the world. At this point, it's often hard for me to maintain that feeling of lightness. I walk into the cold, get in my car, do whatever errands need to be done, and after just a little while, my neck and shoulders are tight rubber bands again. To calm down, I can't really sink into a king pigeon (eka pada rajakapotasana) in the middle of the super market, or rest in down dog (adho mukha svanasana), but I can control how I breathe. I can practice my ujjayi pranayama (ocean breath) and let that soothe my nerves, or I can focus on having equal ratio breaths (sama vritti) to take my mind off of the commotion around me. I can inhale, exhale, and repeat until my tension melts into nothing.

This is my new goal: not to let life overwhelm me. So far, when I've been stressed, or life has gotten rocky, my momma has always been there to tell me, "This too shall pass, little one." I always knew she was right, but never knew how to control my emotional state long enough to allow the thing that was weighing on me to go away. Now I have a way to help me allow these trials, obstacles, and weights, to pass. I'll inhale and I'll exhale, over and over and over. 

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Side note: My eka pada rajakapotasana progress!

One-Legged King Pigeon // Eka Pada Rajakapotasana

In the past couple of months, I've fallen in love with yoga. I love how it stretches me physically and mentally--how I find myself slowly accomplishing goals that I never thought I could reach. Each class, I find myself being able to bend a little more, stretch a little more, hold my weight a little longer, push a little further.

I'm still very much a beginner. I can't bend as much as I wish I could, or hold myself in positions that are challenging (like Plank or even Down Dog, which is supposed to be a restful position...I'm sure it will be, eventually) for as long as I'd like, but I see my progress in millimeters and sometimes even centimeters, and that encourages me.

When I first started yoga. I couldn't stand up straight, lean over, and touch my toes. I could almost touch my toes, but not quite. Now, very recently, I realized that, after I've warmed up my muscles and stretched them a bit, I can put my hands, palm down, flat on the ground (and by recently, I mean yesterday). When I first started yoga, I couldn't do a full plank for more than two or three seconds. I had to drop into half plank. Now, I can hold my body in full plank for...well, not very long, but longer than two or three seconds. It's still very, very hard for me, but I see improvement, and for me, that's huge.

I started this journey with Lisa Senetar, who teaches yoga in Berea at Fitness, Friends, & Fun. I still try to make it to her class every chance I can get, but as I don't have a membership there, it's gets a little bit expensive after a while. She was the first person to really challenge and encourage me to pursue this, and I'm so very thankful she did.

Now, I regularly take a class with Casey Stull, who teaches in Richmond at the Richmond Athletic Club where my husband and I have a membership, twice a week. At first, I was very, very nervous about this class. As I said, it's offered twice a week: Thursday is Beginner Level Yoga, and Tuesday is Power Yoga. As a novice, the idea of Power Yoga scared me. A lot. Luckily, Casey was very encouraging and understanding of my fear, and pushed me. Now, I very much look forward to both classes each week.

One of the things I love most about yoga, so far, is the fact that I never have to compete with anyone. I do what my body allows me to do, and I challenge myself accordingly. Every person has to move at their own speed, meet their own challenges, and do what their bodies' tell them. It's very personal, and in the end, when you make progress, it's very rewarding. Each time I go a little further into a stretch, or move into a posture a little easier or a little more steadily than I did the class before, there's a real sense of accomplishment that I've never felt before (at least as far as my personal physical health is concerned).

I asked Casey to teach me a pose I've seen in her class, as well as in yoga journals and online. Like any good newbie, I googled "yoga poses" when I first started and scrolled through them, making a mental list of the ones I eventually wanted to try. I came across a pose called King Pigeon or Kapotasana and immediately wanted to be able to do it. This is what a Full King Pigeon looks like:

One reason I love yoga so much is it showcases what the human body is capable of. 

As babies, we contort our bodies into impossible poses, yet as we grow older, we let those muscles grow tight because we don't use them in the same ways. I want my body to be able to do those things again, to move again, and I'm so excited that I've started that journey.

My King Pigeon: Day 1

*Thanks for helping me with the name, Casey!

The Journey: Fin

Junior Prom: 2002
between 125-135 pounds.

Six weeks ago, I decided to actively--and healthily--try to lose some weight. I've been "trying" for years to drop the weight I gained when I went away to college, but I was never really successful.

In 2003, I graduated from high school and weighed 135 pounds. I'd fluctuated for two or three years between 125 and 135...I remember telling one of my friends as a sophomore how much I weighed (135), and that friend said, "It's OK, you don't look that big." 135 pounds, in my head, went from being a really good thing to a really bad thing. I rapidly dropped to 125, but by the time I graduated, I was back up to 135. I was upset, but looking back, I was just being a dumb kid.

Near the height
of my weight gain.

I was in college for about two years before it occurred to me that I might be gaining weight. I'd had to go up a size or two in most things, and the Freshman Fifteen was an ever present fear. Rather than just trying to be healthier and see if that changed anything, I decided to weigh myself at my parents' house. I remember standing on the scale, closing my eyes, and taking a few deep breaths before looking at that dreaded number. I just knew I'd see 150...but I didn't. Rather, I saw 185. I ran to my room, stripped down, and stood in front of my full length mirror thinking, How did I not see this happening? How did I not notice 50 pounds?!

After dressing and having a tearful chat with my mother, I decided to join Weight Watchers in Louisville where I lived. Weight Watchers was a great program for someone like me who had absolutely no idea how to control what I ate. Up until that point, I ate when and what I wanted to eat. Unfortunately, when you eat when and what you want to eat, and you're depressed (something I'll probably get into in another blog), you eat a lot of everything--Mountain Dew, peanut butter, ice cream, coffee with vast amounts of French vanilla creamer, pizza, burgers, fries, crackers, chips...you get the idea.

I stuck with Weight Watchers until I couldn't justify spending the monthly fee anymore. It wasn't that much, but I was in school and not working, so the fee was coming out of my generous mother's wallet. With Weight Watchers I lost around 20 pounds. But, after I quit, I fluctuated up and down for quite some time.

2007: Closer to
185 than 165 pounds.

In 2007, I Louisville and moved home. I hadn't weighed myself in a long time. I didn't have a scale at my apartment, and I was already deeply unhappy (due to a very unhealthy relationship that, thankfully, ended that year), so I thought buying a scale and weighing myself would just make my unhappiness worse. However, once I was home, I did weigh myself again. I don't remember the number, but I know that it was somewhere between the weight I'd lost with Weight Watchers (around 165) and the weight I'd started at (185). I wasn't happy, but I also didn't do anything to change it.

I stayed at this weight for a few more years. I don't know why it took me so long to change it. I wasn't happy with my body, but I was kind of apathetic about the whole thing. My self esteem was so low, that I was sure that even if I were to only weigh 115 pounds, no one would love me, so why bother.

Near the end of 2010 I started hanging out with a boy that I'd met in 2007. He was a healthy eater, so whenever we hung out, I was a healthy eater. I'd always been one to try and fit in with who I was with, so when he would order food that wasn't fried, so would I. The fact that he didn't drink soda with sugar meant that I didn't drink soda with sugar, and so on and so forth.

At the start of 2011, my friend and I found a poor, pitiful dog that desperately needed a home. Neither of us had the capacity to take care of her alone, so we decided to have joint-custody. If I couldn't be with her, he would, and vice versa. By this point we were best friends anyway, so we thought it was a great plan. We started walking the dog every day. Some nights we would walk for an hour or more. This, combined with the fact that I hadn't had a soda with sugar for months, resulted in my pants being too big. I was ecstatic, but when I weighed myself, I still weighed more than I wanted to--around 155. But, it was progress. I had lost weight by eating better and moving.

The Happiest Day!

A few months after we got this dog, my friend and I decided it would be a good idea to get married. So we did. The first year of our marriage was great. We ate fairly healthy foods and we got a gym membership and went four or five times a week. But no matter what I did, every time I weighed, that blasted scale still said 155. I was pretty frustrated. My husband said that he could see a difference, but muscle weighed more than fat. He was right (my clothes did fit differently), but I also knew that I was still bigger than I needed to be.

About a week before our first anniversary, I asked my husband if he would write up a meal plan for me. I told him I wanted to lose weight in a way that was healthy, and in a way that the weight would stay off (as opposed to crash diets that work while you're on them, and then quit working as soon as you start eating regularly again). He assured me over and over again that I was beautiful, but because he knew I wanted it so badly, he wrote the meal plan for me. I was to stay on it for six weeks and weigh myself at the end.

Yesterday was the last day of that meal plan. After six weeks (well, two months if you count my little anniversary-reboot), I no longer am going to make myself eat very specific foods at very specific times. Rather, I'm going to eat healthily, regularly, and I'm going to use my best judgement about what I eat. If anything, this diet has taught me what kind of foods my body needs, and when my body needs them. I'm so grateful for that...but I'm also grateful to not have to worry anymore about drinking a glass of milk, or a double tall latte, if I want one.

My diet's over, but my new lifestyle is just starting. I can't wait prove to myself that I can maintain my new way of living even without a strict diet to follow. The real success in this diet--as my husband said it would be--was proving to myself that food didn't control me and learning how to eat in a better way. The fact that I now weight 140 pounds, a number I haven't even been close to in almost ten years, is just icing on the cake.

2.5 pounds per week, eating healthy foods and exercising.

Take a Stand

I just want to preface this blog with this: 

The word diet has so many negative connotations (I've mentioned that before, I think). However, what we eat is our diet. If that changes, and the foods you can/will eat are limited, that's just a new diet. What I'm about to talk about is my current diet, of which I just began week two of six.

One of the hardest parts about giving yourself a strict diet--one on which you have to eat certain things at certain times of the day, and on which you can't have certain foods--is eating with and/or around other people.

Don't get me wrong, I dislike eating alone. If I'm alone all day (well, before my scheduled six-meals-a-day lifestyle), I could eat maybe once and not even notice that I hadn't had regular meals until my stomach growled. Eating alone just feels weird to me. However, when you're strict with your food consumption, eating with other people can often be very, very difficult.

I've said it before. I'll say it again. I love sugar. I'm sure it's because I've allowed myself to eat sugar for the past 27 years whenever I wanted. I'm sure that I have a mild (yeah right) addiction to it. I'm sure there are a million reasons why I love sugar, but they're all irrelevant, because at the end of the day, all I know is, I love it. I crave it. I battle my desire for it many, many times each day.

On my new diet, I'm allowed very little complex sugar, and no simple sugar. Translation: I get fruit a few times a day, I get vegetables a few times a day, I get just a teensy-weensy bit of milk in my coffee, and I get absolutely no instantly satisfying, hip-widening, belly-fattening chocolatey goodness (except for carbo-load-body-reset day, which happens once every two weeks. You have no idea how much I look forward to that day.).

For a sugar addict, going from simple sugar whenever I wanted to almost no sugar is tough, but it's manageable if you have will power and someone (like a wonderful husband) to support you. However, when you're faced with people around you eating it...it's feels nearly impossible.

I'm not upset with anyone. 

I don't want everyone around me to alter their diets while I'm. 

I'm not judging what they eat (if anything, I'm jealous!) or when they eat it. 

Rather, I'm discouraged with myself, because I can't control my brain enough not to panic a little when I see someone else eat chocolate, or ice cream, or potato chips (I know they're not sweet, but they're carby, which is just as good), or even drink juice. Something in my brains says, "They get it! You should, too!!"

My brain is a big old whiney baby. It needs to shut up.

True, it's tough to not be able to eat what I want when I want it, but it's way tougher to be really out of shape and really over weight. I've struggled my whole life with keeping my weight down, and I'm finally on the path to getting it to a healthy range while getting in shape!

Is it still going to be hard to sit by and watch people eat chocolate or ice cream when I won't let myself? 

Of course. 

Am I still going to crave chocolate chip cookies randomly? 

Yes. 

Am I going to break down and let myself have those foods, just because they would taste good? 

No. 

Two months ago, I would have said yes, but not anymore. For the first time, I'm taking control of what I eat instead of letting it control me. 

Food should be the fuel that keeps us going--nothing more and nothing less. You only get the one body, so give it the fuel it needs. You wouldn't put corn syrup in your car's gas tank, and you can't drive on empty. If you struggle with food-stuff--whether it's eating too much, eating too little, or just eating the wrong things--I encourage you to take a stand and to take care of your body.

Vacation Reboot

Last week was mine and my husband's one year wedding anniversary. We were lucky enough to be able to spend it at Myrtle Beach while his band played a conference. It was a wonderful trip!

However, because we were on vacation, and away from home where my fridge and pantries were stocked with diet-friendly foods, I wasn't able to stick to my new diet/menu...at all.

I'm happy to say that, in most situations, I tried to choose the healthier option, but I didn't stick to my 1200 calorie a day goal, nor did I stick to my portion sizes that Vince wrote out for me.

That being said, I'm rebooting my six-week-plan.

Today is, yet again, day one of my six-week weight-loss plan. Back to measuring foods and choosing foods that will help my body get rid of excess fat.

On the plus side, because I'm restarting my diet, I got to weigh myself before the initial six week mark. After two weeks of this diet, plus just under a week of eating like I did before (not great, but not horribly either) I'd lost 5 pounds!


So, it's back to the carefully-planning-what-I-eat-grind. It's going to be totally worth it in six weeks when, maybe, I look closer to the way I've always wanted to look.

Week Two: Hypoglycemia

I started a new, healthy, weight-loss diet a week and two days ago.  So far, I'm proud to say that I've stuck to that diet without faltering! I haven't snuck in any candy or cookies (though I've been very tempted), and for that, I'm very, very proud of myself.

Since I started this diet, I've learned something very important about myself. I'd love to say that I learned will power or self control, or something that sounded really introspective and analytical, but I didn't. Rather, I learned, through trial and error, that there's a very good chance that I'm hypoglycemic.

For those of you who don't know (because I didn't!), hypoglycemia is a condition that occurs when your blood sugar is too low. I've always snacked on sugar-rich things throughout the day (crackers, cookies, flavored lattes, candies, really whatever I could get my hands on), so my sugar has never really had the opportunity to get low. A few times over the course of the last few years, I waited too long to eat and got really irritable and a little nauseated, but I always ate fairly quickly and it went away. I attributed these things to hunger and nothing more. It wasn't until last weekend, at my parents' house, that I figured out it was most likely something more. (I haven't been officially diagnosed, because I'm terrified of needles, but I'm pretty confident based on what happened last weekend.)

I started my diet Wednesday. On Saturday, at around 11 pm, I was sitting in a chair in my parents' living room. Vince and Joey (my husband and my brother) were on the couch across from me.

All of a sudden, for no reason at all, I felt mad and then sad. Maybe a minute later, I got nauseated like I had been in a car on a curvy road staring at my phone for too long. My hands and feet started to feel like they suddenly had big, thick socks or mittens on them. My face went numb, except for my lips, which tingled. I could feel tears running down my face, but I didn't understand why I was crying.

Vince looked over at me and asked if I was all right. I said I was. He didn't believe me and quickly went to the kitchen, got me an apple, and put it in my hand. I just stared at it and thought, If I eat this, I'll vomit. But he made me eat it anyway, even after I very sluggishly told him I'd ralph.

Just seconds after that first bite of cool, crisp, juicy sweetness (I really love apples), it felt like someone was pulling a wet spiderweb off my face. I could feel the sugar rushing to my head then down in my arms and legs. After just a minute or so, I was normal again.

On this new diet, I drink a fruit and protein smoothie after my workout every weekday. Vince and I don't workout on the weekends, so this was the first day of my diet when I didn't get fruit/sugar in the afternoon. That's why my body freaked out. It was scary enough that I'm now overly aware of how I'm feeling, and I'm always prepared to go grab an apple or something if those symptoms even start to rear their ugly little heads.

This is not a toy. Use only in case of an emergency.