Totem Animal: Deer

Tonight, my friend Casey and I were talking about how she discovered her spirit guide/animal during her yoga teacher training. I was very curious about what mine was, so she got out her Medicine Cards and handed them to me. I held them, shuffled them, focused on the kind of person I wanted to be and about what kind of life I wanted to live, I focused on what was important to me (being a good mom someday, a good wife, a good daughter, and loving my friends and the people around me as much as I could), and then I flipped a card over. 

I drew Deer. 

When I drew the card, it was Contrary (upside down), but I'll get to that. 

While I don't think I live up to what Deer is yet (the Contrary is definitely more where my life is right now), it is what I want my life to be like. 

Here's what the book, Medicine Cards, says about Deer.

Deer (Gentleness):

One day Fawn heard Great Spirit calling to her from the top of Sacred Mountain. Fawn immediately started up the trail. She did not know that a horrible demon guarded the way to Great Spirit's lodge. The demon was trying to keep all the beings of creation from connecting with Great Spirit. He wanted all of Great Spirit's creatures to feel that Great Spirit did not want to be disturbed. This would make the demon fell powerful, and capable of causing them to fear him.

Fawn was not at all frightened when she came upon the demon. This was curious, as the demon was the archetype of all the ugly monsters that have ever been. The demon breathed fire and smoke and made disgusting sounds to frighten Fawn. Any normal creature would have fled or died on the spot from fright.

Fawn, however, said gently to the demon, "Please let me pass. I am on the way to see Great Spirit."

Fawn's eyes were filled with love and compassion for this oversized bully of a demon. The demon was astounded by Fawn's lack of fear. No matter how he tried, he could not frighten Fawn, because her love had penetrated his hardened, ugly heart.

Much to demon's dismay, his rock-hard heart began to melt, and his body shrank to the size of a walnut. Fawn's persistent love and gentleness had caused the melt-down of the demon. Due to this gentleness and caring that Fawn embodied, the pathway was now clear for all of Great Spirit's children to reach Sacred Mountain without having to feel the demons of fear blocking their way.

Deer teaches us to use the power of gentleness to touch the hearts and minds of wounded beings who are trying to keep us from Sacred Mountain. Like the dappling Fawn's coat, both the light and dark may be loved to create gentleness and safety for those who are seeking peace.

If Deer has gently nudged its way into your life today, you are being asked to find the gentleness of spirit that heals all wounds. Stop pushing so hard to get others to change, and love them as they are. Apply gentleness to your present situation and become like the summer breeze: warm and caring. This is your tool for solving the present dilemma you are facing. If you use it, you will connect with Sacred Mountain, your centering place of serenity, and Great Spirit will guide you.

When you draw a card upside down (Contrary), it means something a little different. I drew Deer Contrary, rather than just Deer. Here's what the book had to say. When I initially read it, I couldn't help but laugh at how true this was for my life. Somehow, reading it shone light on some issues of mine that I haven't seen a way to get away from. I think this is going to help me immensely, and I'm so excited about that!

Contrary:

Deer in the contrary position indicates that you are courting your fear by fighting the internal demons of negative ideas. This is a clue to you that force is not always the best method. You may not be willing to love yourself enough to feel your fears and let them go. You may be projecting your fears on others. It may also be others whom you fear, reminding you of a time when you reacted to life in much the same manner. At any rate, love is the key. The only true balance to power is the love and compassion of Deer. Be willing to find things to love about yourself and others, and your demons will melt away. Your fears cannot exist in the same place that love and gentleness abide.

Remember, Fawn can teach you many lessons about unconditional love. In its true application, unconditional love means that no strings are attached. The gentleness of Fawn is the heart-space of Great Spirit which embodies Great Spirit's love for us all.

If you know me at all, you'll know that this speaks so loudly to me about my life.

I struggle with loving myself, and with fears that are based around others loving me, every single day without exception.

How interesting and wonderful to read this and hear it so clearly in my heart.

Overview:

As a power animal, Deer stresses that there are other ways than force, and shows that there is a power in the gentle word and touch, and that strength comes through caring.

You are confronted by those whose attitudes cause you pain and sorrow, and sometimes even fear. But it is they who are the wounded ones, and whoever tries to help them will only make matters worse. To soothe them you must touch their hearts with the healing balm of the gentle spirit and the embrace of kindness.

Deer teaches the need for compassion and kindness towards others and yourself. Don't drive yourself so harshly! Be gentle with yourself, and you will cease to project your fears onto others. Deer is a power animal that is directing you towards a serenity of heart, mind and spirit. Gentleness has the power to melt a heart of stone.

Be gentle with yourself and offer kindess to all living things.

My Love/Hate Relationship with Food

I have a love/hate relationship with food. I understand the purpose of food. We eat food so that our bodies can live, and if we eat the right foods, our bodies will respond in positive ways. I even love to eat food. Give me a big old salad, or some grilled chicken or steak, and I'm a happy girl. The problem comes from the fact that I love food too much, and I love the wrong kinds of food.

I love vegetables, meat, fruits, dairy, juices, snacks, chocolate, candies, ice cream, and soda. I love it all. But I love sugar the most. If you put a box of chocolates down in front of me, and leave me in a room alone with it for a couple of hours, that entire box is going to be empty, and the remnants (bits of chocolate stuck to plastic, and the cardboard box-shell) will have disappeared. No evidence means no crime, right?

I love sugar. 

This is what I hate about food.

When I was younger, I ate what I wanted, and after high school, the pounds were packed on. I tried different diets, but the pull of food was too strong. I would be on my diet for a while, and then, without warning, my resolve would crumble, and I would binge. I've tried moderation, a few pieces of dark chocolate every few nights while I watch a movie, but that just kickstarts something in my brain that craves it more, and more, and more. I'm like a sugar zombie.

Now, after many years and many failed attempts at controlling this addiction, I've come to a place where just the thought of eating certain foods makes me feel guilty.

I think my conscious brain says that I really want the chocolate, or the ice cream, or the peppermint mocha espresso drink, and my subconscious brain responds by flooding me with a feeling of guilt, as if I'd already consumed said sugary treat, which results in my mood swinging way down. So, even without consuming the delicious, fat-building, teeth-decaying food, I feel like I have. This can't be healthy.


Vince and I were in Meijer the other day. We went in to return a movie, and to get a snack to eat while we watched the movie. He grabbed a bar of dark chocolate, and all I could think was, Man, it sure would be nice to have some ice cream. As soon as I thought it, I felt disgusted with myself. What would Vince think if he had a few small pieces of dark chocolate, while I sat there and gorged myself on a minty-chocolatey-dairy concoction? In reality, he'd probably think either that his dark chocolate tasted good, or that the movie we were watching was just okay (it was John Carter. I liked it all right.). But in my head he would be thinking of how utterly disgusting I was for consuming that much sugar.

Needless to say, I didn't buy the ice cream. He offered me some of his dark chocolate and I refused it. And I spent the rest of the night feeling like Fatty McFatterson simply for wanting to eat the ice cream I didn't buy, and his chocolate.

When I eat healthy foods, like grilled chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, and a baked baby red potato, I feel great afterward. When I eat sugary foods, generally I feel like crap afterward. Yet, what do I crave? Sugar.

My goal is to break myself from craving the things that make me feel crappy. I want to, eventually, be able to have ice cream or chocolate on occasion without it being an enormous emotional deal, but right now, that means seriously limiting what I allow myself. It's gotten to the point where, even though I know that eating dinner is best for me, it's hard for me to do it. Luckily, my biology wins out over my brain, and when my tummy growls, I put food in it, but I'm overly aware that I'm eating, and that eating is what can make me fat...I know (which is good) that I'm bordering on a serious eating issue. I was at this place, emotionally, in high school, and I got away from it. I know I can back away from this precipice now, too. But the only way I know how to handle it is to cut out any and all food that might tempt me in a bad way, that way when I eat the good-for-me-foods, there won't be any guilt (because there shouldn't be.).

I don't know if this is the best way to approach this, but I've run out of ideas. If anyone has any ideas, I'd be more than happy to listen.