The Journey: Fin

Junior Prom: 2002
between 125-135 pounds.

Six weeks ago, I decided to actively--and healthily--try to lose some weight. I've been "trying" for years to drop the weight I gained when I went away to college, but I was never really successful.

In 2003, I graduated from high school and weighed 135 pounds. I'd fluctuated for two or three years between 125 and 135...I remember telling one of my friends as a sophomore how much I weighed (135), and that friend said, "It's OK, you don't look that big." 135 pounds, in my head, went from being a really good thing to a really bad thing. I rapidly dropped to 125, but by the time I graduated, I was back up to 135. I was upset, but looking back, I was just being a dumb kid.

Near the height
of my weight gain.

I was in college for about two years before it occurred to me that I might be gaining weight. I'd had to go up a size or two in most things, and the Freshman Fifteen was an ever present fear. Rather than just trying to be healthier and see if that changed anything, I decided to weigh myself at my parents' house. I remember standing on the scale, closing my eyes, and taking a few deep breaths before looking at that dreaded number. I just knew I'd see 150...but I didn't. Rather, I saw 185. I ran to my room, stripped down, and stood in front of my full length mirror thinking, How did I not see this happening? How did I not notice 50 pounds?!

After dressing and having a tearful chat with my mother, I decided to join Weight Watchers in Louisville where I lived. Weight Watchers was a great program for someone like me who had absolutely no idea how to control what I ate. Up until that point, I ate when and what I wanted to eat. Unfortunately, when you eat when and what you want to eat, and you're depressed (something I'll probably get into in another blog), you eat a lot of everything--Mountain Dew, peanut butter, ice cream, coffee with vast amounts of French vanilla creamer, pizza, burgers, fries, crackers, chips...you get the idea.

I stuck with Weight Watchers until I couldn't justify spending the monthly fee anymore. It wasn't that much, but I was in school and not working, so the fee was coming out of my generous mother's wallet. With Weight Watchers I lost around 20 pounds. But, after I quit, I fluctuated up and down for quite some time.

2007: Closer to
185 than 165 pounds.

In 2007, I Louisville and moved home. I hadn't weighed myself in a long time. I didn't have a scale at my apartment, and I was already deeply unhappy (due to a very unhealthy relationship that, thankfully, ended that year), so I thought buying a scale and weighing myself would just make my unhappiness worse. However, once I was home, I did weigh myself again. I don't remember the number, but I know that it was somewhere between the weight I'd lost with Weight Watchers (around 165) and the weight I'd started at (185). I wasn't happy, but I also didn't do anything to change it.

I stayed at this weight for a few more years. I don't know why it took me so long to change it. I wasn't happy with my body, but I was kind of apathetic about the whole thing. My self esteem was so low, that I was sure that even if I were to only weigh 115 pounds, no one would love me, so why bother.

Near the end of 2010 I started hanging out with a boy that I'd met in 2007. He was a healthy eater, so whenever we hung out, I was a healthy eater. I'd always been one to try and fit in with who I was with, so when he would order food that wasn't fried, so would I. The fact that he didn't drink soda with sugar meant that I didn't drink soda with sugar, and so on and so forth.

At the start of 2011, my friend and I found a poor, pitiful dog that desperately needed a home. Neither of us had the capacity to take care of her alone, so we decided to have joint-custody. If I couldn't be with her, he would, and vice versa. By this point we were best friends anyway, so we thought it was a great plan. We started walking the dog every day. Some nights we would walk for an hour or more. This, combined with the fact that I hadn't had a soda with sugar for months, resulted in my pants being too big. I was ecstatic, but when I weighed myself, I still weighed more than I wanted to--around 155. But, it was progress. I had lost weight by eating better and moving.

The Happiest Day!

A few months after we got this dog, my friend and I decided it would be a good idea to get married. So we did. The first year of our marriage was great. We ate fairly healthy foods and we got a gym membership and went four or five times a week. But no matter what I did, every time I weighed, that blasted scale still said 155. I was pretty frustrated. My husband said that he could see a difference, but muscle weighed more than fat. He was right (my clothes did fit differently), but I also knew that I was still bigger than I needed to be.

About a week before our first anniversary, I asked my husband if he would write up a meal plan for me. I told him I wanted to lose weight in a way that was healthy, and in a way that the weight would stay off (as opposed to crash diets that work while you're on them, and then quit working as soon as you start eating regularly again). He assured me over and over again that I was beautiful, but because he knew I wanted it so badly, he wrote the meal plan for me. I was to stay on it for six weeks and weigh myself at the end.

Yesterday was the last day of that meal plan. After six weeks (well, two months if you count my little anniversary-reboot), I no longer am going to make myself eat very specific foods at very specific times. Rather, I'm going to eat healthily, regularly, and I'm going to use my best judgement about what I eat. If anything, this diet has taught me what kind of foods my body needs, and when my body needs them. I'm so grateful for that...but I'm also grateful to not have to worry anymore about drinking a glass of milk, or a double tall latte, if I want one.

My diet's over, but my new lifestyle is just starting. I can't wait prove to myself that I can maintain my new way of living even without a strict diet to follow. The real success in this diet--as my husband said it would be--was proving to myself that food didn't control me and learning how to eat in a better way. The fact that I now weight 140 pounds, a number I haven't even been close to in almost ten years, is just icing on the cake.

2.5 pounds per week, eating healthy foods and exercising.

Week Two: Hypoglycemia

I started a new, healthy, weight-loss diet a week and two days ago.  So far, I'm proud to say that I've stuck to that diet without faltering! I haven't snuck in any candy or cookies (though I've been very tempted), and for that, I'm very, very proud of myself.

Since I started this diet, I've learned something very important about myself. I'd love to say that I learned will power or self control, or something that sounded really introspective and analytical, but I didn't. Rather, I learned, through trial and error, that there's a very good chance that I'm hypoglycemic.

For those of you who don't know (because I didn't!), hypoglycemia is a condition that occurs when your blood sugar is too low. I've always snacked on sugar-rich things throughout the day (crackers, cookies, flavored lattes, candies, really whatever I could get my hands on), so my sugar has never really had the opportunity to get low. A few times over the course of the last few years, I waited too long to eat and got really irritable and a little nauseated, but I always ate fairly quickly and it went away. I attributed these things to hunger and nothing more. It wasn't until last weekend, at my parents' house, that I figured out it was most likely something more. (I haven't been officially diagnosed, because I'm terrified of needles, but I'm pretty confident based on what happened last weekend.)

I started my diet Wednesday. On Saturday, at around 11 pm, I was sitting in a chair in my parents' living room. Vince and Joey (my husband and my brother) were on the couch across from me.

All of a sudden, for no reason at all, I felt mad and then sad. Maybe a minute later, I got nauseated like I had been in a car on a curvy road staring at my phone for too long. My hands and feet started to feel like they suddenly had big, thick socks or mittens on them. My face went numb, except for my lips, which tingled. I could feel tears running down my face, but I didn't understand why I was crying.

Vince looked over at me and asked if I was all right. I said I was. He didn't believe me and quickly went to the kitchen, got me an apple, and put it in my hand. I just stared at it and thought, If I eat this, I'll vomit. But he made me eat it anyway, even after I very sluggishly told him I'd ralph.

Just seconds after that first bite of cool, crisp, juicy sweetness (I really love apples), it felt like someone was pulling a wet spiderweb off my face. I could feel the sugar rushing to my head then down in my arms and legs. After just a minute or so, I was normal again.

On this new diet, I drink a fruit and protein smoothie after my workout every weekday. Vince and I don't workout on the weekends, so this was the first day of my diet when I didn't get fruit/sugar in the afternoon. That's why my body freaked out. It was scary enough that I'm now overly aware of how I'm feeling, and I'm always prepared to go grab an apple or something if those symptoms even start to rear their ugly little heads.

This is not a toy. Use only in case of an emergency.

The Beginning of Something New

Today is the beginning of something new.

I asked my husband, who's very health conscious, to help me come up with a new eating plan so that I wouldn't have to think about food so much, and so that I would know that I was eating the right things. Also, I want to drop some more weight, and this is the best possible way (coupled with regular exercise). It's not a "diet," it's a new way of looking at food.

Here's the plan:

5 am

Breakfast

-3 egg whites

-peppers, tomatoes, spinach

-blueberries (1 serving)

7-8 am

Snack #1

-small tuna pack

-small apple

10-11 am

Lunch

-4 oz. poultry

-veggies

1-2 pm

Snack #2

-almonds (1 serving)

4-5 pm

Dinner

-4 oz. poultry or fish

-veggies

7-8 pm

Snack #3

-cottage cheese (1 serving)

-celery

All of this should be coupled with at least 8 cups of water a day (thank goodness for my 32 oz. Nalgene water bottle!). Also, I still get my delicious post-workout fruit and protein smoothie. I forgot to mention before that I'm also allowed coffee and tea on this plan, as long as I don't add any sweeteners (I don't want to add sugar-substitutes because of possible negative health effects). I can, however, add a little milk (which is delicious in coffee and some tea!). This plan, coupled with the multivitamin I already take, and my workout schedule (which is becoming more solid, finally) I know will give me the results I want. 

I want to be able to wear shorts, or a bathing suit, or a tank top, and not feel uncomfortable. I don't wanna go around in clothes that are inappropriate, but I do want to be able to wear summer clothes without feeling like everyone's staring, thinking, She should not be wearing that.

I want to be healthy, fit, and comfortable in my own skin. So, when I say this is the beginning of something new, I mean to stick to it so that those things can be possible.

Breakfast today! It was delicious, 

and I didn't feel like

crap after I ate it. Success!

*UPDATE!*

Yesterday was my first day on the new diet, and it was great! Every time I started to feel a little hungry, it was time for another snack or meal! I used my Fitness Pal on my phone, and my daily calories were almost exactly 1200! The smoothie (strawberry banana from Starbucks) was 300 calories, but I burned 203 calories on the elliptical and did weights for my arms yesterday. Without the smoothie (and without the exercise), I would've come in at just under 1200 calories for the day (I think). I'll be able to tell for sure this weekend, as I don't go to the gym on Saturdays or Sundays, so my calorie count will only include food.

When I told Vince the plan he came up with was almost right at 1200 calories (my goal, not his), he said he was gonna do a little dance. (I'm still waiting for said dance.) I also told him that a few people were thinking about doing this menu (or one like it) too! If anyone else gave this a shot, I'd love to hear about it, and so would he. Thanks to everyone for all the love and support!

My Love/Hate Relationship with Food

I have a love/hate relationship with food. I understand the purpose of food. We eat food so that our bodies can live, and if we eat the right foods, our bodies will respond in positive ways. I even love to eat food. Give me a big old salad, or some grilled chicken or steak, and I'm a happy girl. The problem comes from the fact that I love food too much, and I love the wrong kinds of food.

I love vegetables, meat, fruits, dairy, juices, snacks, chocolate, candies, ice cream, and soda. I love it all. But I love sugar the most. If you put a box of chocolates down in front of me, and leave me in a room alone with it for a couple of hours, that entire box is going to be empty, and the remnants (bits of chocolate stuck to plastic, and the cardboard box-shell) will have disappeared. No evidence means no crime, right?

I love sugar. 

This is what I hate about food.

When I was younger, I ate what I wanted, and after high school, the pounds were packed on. I tried different diets, but the pull of food was too strong. I would be on my diet for a while, and then, without warning, my resolve would crumble, and I would binge. I've tried moderation, a few pieces of dark chocolate every few nights while I watch a movie, but that just kickstarts something in my brain that craves it more, and more, and more. I'm like a sugar zombie.

Now, after many years and many failed attempts at controlling this addiction, I've come to a place where just the thought of eating certain foods makes me feel guilty.

I think my conscious brain says that I really want the chocolate, or the ice cream, or the peppermint mocha espresso drink, and my subconscious brain responds by flooding me with a feeling of guilt, as if I'd already consumed said sugary treat, which results in my mood swinging way down. So, even without consuming the delicious, fat-building, teeth-decaying food, I feel like I have. This can't be healthy.


Vince and I were in Meijer the other day. We went in to return a movie, and to get a snack to eat while we watched the movie. He grabbed a bar of dark chocolate, and all I could think was, Man, it sure would be nice to have some ice cream. As soon as I thought it, I felt disgusted with myself. What would Vince think if he had a few small pieces of dark chocolate, while I sat there and gorged myself on a minty-chocolatey-dairy concoction? In reality, he'd probably think either that his dark chocolate tasted good, or that the movie we were watching was just okay (it was John Carter. I liked it all right.). But in my head he would be thinking of how utterly disgusting I was for consuming that much sugar.

Needless to say, I didn't buy the ice cream. He offered me some of his dark chocolate and I refused it. And I spent the rest of the night feeling like Fatty McFatterson simply for wanting to eat the ice cream I didn't buy, and his chocolate.

When I eat healthy foods, like grilled chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, and a baked baby red potato, I feel great afterward. When I eat sugary foods, generally I feel like crap afterward. Yet, what do I crave? Sugar.

My goal is to break myself from craving the things that make me feel crappy. I want to, eventually, be able to have ice cream or chocolate on occasion without it being an enormous emotional deal, but right now, that means seriously limiting what I allow myself. It's gotten to the point where, even though I know that eating dinner is best for me, it's hard for me to do it. Luckily, my biology wins out over my brain, and when my tummy growls, I put food in it, but I'm overly aware that I'm eating, and that eating is what can make me fat...I know (which is good) that I'm bordering on a serious eating issue. I was at this place, emotionally, in high school, and I got away from it. I know I can back away from this precipice now, too. But the only way I know how to handle it is to cut out any and all food that might tempt me in a bad way, that way when I eat the good-for-me-foods, there won't be any guilt (because there shouldn't be.).

I don't know if this is the best way to approach this, but I've run out of ideas. If anyone has any ideas, I'd be more than happy to listen.