Take a Stand

I just want to preface this blog with this: 

The word diet has so many negative connotations (I've mentioned that before, I think). However, what we eat is our diet. If that changes, and the foods you can/will eat are limited, that's just a new diet. What I'm about to talk about is my current diet, of which I just began week two of six.

One of the hardest parts about giving yourself a strict diet--one on which you have to eat certain things at certain times of the day, and on which you can't have certain foods--is eating with and/or around other people.

Don't get me wrong, I dislike eating alone. If I'm alone all day (well, before my scheduled six-meals-a-day lifestyle), I could eat maybe once and not even notice that I hadn't had regular meals until my stomach growled. Eating alone just feels weird to me. However, when you're strict with your food consumption, eating with other people can often be very, very difficult.

I've said it before. I'll say it again. I love sugar. I'm sure it's because I've allowed myself to eat sugar for the past 27 years whenever I wanted. I'm sure that I have a mild (yeah right) addiction to it. I'm sure there are a million reasons why I love sugar, but they're all irrelevant, because at the end of the day, all I know is, I love it. I crave it. I battle my desire for it many, many times each day.

On my new diet, I'm allowed very little complex sugar, and no simple sugar. Translation: I get fruit a few times a day, I get vegetables a few times a day, I get just a teensy-weensy bit of milk in my coffee, and I get absolutely no instantly satisfying, hip-widening, belly-fattening chocolatey goodness (except for carbo-load-body-reset day, which happens once every two weeks. You have no idea how much I look forward to that day.).

For a sugar addict, going from simple sugar whenever I wanted to almost no sugar is tough, but it's manageable if you have will power and someone (like a wonderful husband) to support you. However, when you're faced with people around you eating it...it's feels nearly impossible.

I'm not upset with anyone. 

I don't want everyone around me to alter their diets while I'm. 

I'm not judging what they eat (if anything, I'm jealous!) or when they eat it. 

Rather, I'm discouraged with myself, because I can't control my brain enough not to panic a little when I see someone else eat chocolate, or ice cream, or potato chips (I know they're not sweet, but they're carby, which is just as good), or even drink juice. Something in my brains says, "They get it! You should, too!!"

My brain is a big old whiney baby. It needs to shut up.

True, it's tough to not be able to eat what I want when I want it, but it's way tougher to be really out of shape and really over weight. I've struggled my whole life with keeping my weight down, and I'm finally on the path to getting it to a healthy range while getting in shape!

Is it still going to be hard to sit by and watch people eat chocolate or ice cream when I won't let myself? 

Of course. 

Am I still going to crave chocolate chip cookies randomly? 

Yes. 

Am I going to break down and let myself have those foods, just because they would taste good? 

No. 

Two months ago, I would have said yes, but not anymore. For the first time, I'm taking control of what I eat instead of letting it control me. 

Food should be the fuel that keeps us going--nothing more and nothing less. You only get the one body, so give it the fuel it needs. You wouldn't put corn syrup in your car's gas tank, and you can't drive on empty. If you struggle with food-stuff--whether it's eating too much, eating too little, or just eating the wrong things--I encourage you to take a stand and to take care of your body.

My Love/Hate Relationship with Food

I have a love/hate relationship with food. I understand the purpose of food. We eat food so that our bodies can live, and if we eat the right foods, our bodies will respond in positive ways. I even love to eat food. Give me a big old salad, or some grilled chicken or steak, and I'm a happy girl. The problem comes from the fact that I love food too much, and I love the wrong kinds of food.

I love vegetables, meat, fruits, dairy, juices, snacks, chocolate, candies, ice cream, and soda. I love it all. But I love sugar the most. If you put a box of chocolates down in front of me, and leave me in a room alone with it for a couple of hours, that entire box is going to be empty, and the remnants (bits of chocolate stuck to plastic, and the cardboard box-shell) will have disappeared. No evidence means no crime, right?

I love sugar. 

This is what I hate about food.

When I was younger, I ate what I wanted, and after high school, the pounds were packed on. I tried different diets, but the pull of food was too strong. I would be on my diet for a while, and then, without warning, my resolve would crumble, and I would binge. I've tried moderation, a few pieces of dark chocolate every few nights while I watch a movie, but that just kickstarts something in my brain that craves it more, and more, and more. I'm like a sugar zombie.

Now, after many years and many failed attempts at controlling this addiction, I've come to a place where just the thought of eating certain foods makes me feel guilty.

I think my conscious brain says that I really want the chocolate, or the ice cream, or the peppermint mocha espresso drink, and my subconscious brain responds by flooding me with a feeling of guilt, as if I'd already consumed said sugary treat, which results in my mood swinging way down. So, even without consuming the delicious, fat-building, teeth-decaying food, I feel like I have. This can't be healthy.


Vince and I were in Meijer the other day. We went in to return a movie, and to get a snack to eat while we watched the movie. He grabbed a bar of dark chocolate, and all I could think was, Man, it sure would be nice to have some ice cream. As soon as I thought it, I felt disgusted with myself. What would Vince think if he had a few small pieces of dark chocolate, while I sat there and gorged myself on a minty-chocolatey-dairy concoction? In reality, he'd probably think either that his dark chocolate tasted good, or that the movie we were watching was just okay (it was John Carter. I liked it all right.). But in my head he would be thinking of how utterly disgusting I was for consuming that much sugar.

Needless to say, I didn't buy the ice cream. He offered me some of his dark chocolate and I refused it. And I spent the rest of the night feeling like Fatty McFatterson simply for wanting to eat the ice cream I didn't buy, and his chocolate.

When I eat healthy foods, like grilled chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, and a baked baby red potato, I feel great afterward. When I eat sugary foods, generally I feel like crap afterward. Yet, what do I crave? Sugar.

My goal is to break myself from craving the things that make me feel crappy. I want to, eventually, be able to have ice cream or chocolate on occasion without it being an enormous emotional deal, but right now, that means seriously limiting what I allow myself. It's gotten to the point where, even though I know that eating dinner is best for me, it's hard for me to do it. Luckily, my biology wins out over my brain, and when my tummy growls, I put food in it, but I'm overly aware that I'm eating, and that eating is what can make me fat...I know (which is good) that I'm bordering on a serious eating issue. I was at this place, emotionally, in high school, and I got away from it. I know I can back away from this precipice now, too. But the only way I know how to handle it is to cut out any and all food that might tempt me in a bad way, that way when I eat the good-for-me-foods, there won't be any guilt (because there shouldn't be.).

I don't know if this is the best way to approach this, but I've run out of ideas. If anyone has any ideas, I'd be more than happy to listen.