The Journey: Fin

Junior Prom: 2002
between 125-135 pounds.

Six weeks ago, I decided to actively--and healthily--try to lose some weight. I've been "trying" for years to drop the weight I gained when I went away to college, but I was never really successful.

In 2003, I graduated from high school and weighed 135 pounds. I'd fluctuated for two or three years between 125 and 135...I remember telling one of my friends as a sophomore how much I weighed (135), and that friend said, "It's OK, you don't look that big." 135 pounds, in my head, went from being a really good thing to a really bad thing. I rapidly dropped to 125, but by the time I graduated, I was back up to 135. I was upset, but looking back, I was just being a dumb kid.

Near the height
of my weight gain.

I was in college for about two years before it occurred to me that I might be gaining weight. I'd had to go up a size or two in most things, and the Freshman Fifteen was an ever present fear. Rather than just trying to be healthier and see if that changed anything, I decided to weigh myself at my parents' house. I remember standing on the scale, closing my eyes, and taking a few deep breaths before looking at that dreaded number. I just knew I'd see 150...but I didn't. Rather, I saw 185. I ran to my room, stripped down, and stood in front of my full length mirror thinking, How did I not see this happening? How did I not notice 50 pounds?!

After dressing and having a tearful chat with my mother, I decided to join Weight Watchers in Louisville where I lived. Weight Watchers was a great program for someone like me who had absolutely no idea how to control what I ate. Up until that point, I ate when and what I wanted to eat. Unfortunately, when you eat when and what you want to eat, and you're depressed (something I'll probably get into in another blog), you eat a lot of everything--Mountain Dew, peanut butter, ice cream, coffee with vast amounts of French vanilla creamer, pizza, burgers, fries, crackers, chips...you get the idea.

I stuck with Weight Watchers until I couldn't justify spending the monthly fee anymore. It wasn't that much, but I was in school and not working, so the fee was coming out of my generous mother's wallet. With Weight Watchers I lost around 20 pounds. But, after I quit, I fluctuated up and down for quite some time.

2007: Closer to
185 than 165 pounds.

In 2007, I Louisville and moved home. I hadn't weighed myself in a long time. I didn't have a scale at my apartment, and I was already deeply unhappy (due to a very unhealthy relationship that, thankfully, ended that year), so I thought buying a scale and weighing myself would just make my unhappiness worse. However, once I was home, I did weigh myself again. I don't remember the number, but I know that it was somewhere between the weight I'd lost with Weight Watchers (around 165) and the weight I'd started at (185). I wasn't happy, but I also didn't do anything to change it.

I stayed at this weight for a few more years. I don't know why it took me so long to change it. I wasn't happy with my body, but I was kind of apathetic about the whole thing. My self esteem was so low, that I was sure that even if I were to only weigh 115 pounds, no one would love me, so why bother.

Near the end of 2010 I started hanging out with a boy that I'd met in 2007. He was a healthy eater, so whenever we hung out, I was a healthy eater. I'd always been one to try and fit in with who I was with, so when he would order food that wasn't fried, so would I. The fact that he didn't drink soda with sugar meant that I didn't drink soda with sugar, and so on and so forth.

At the start of 2011, my friend and I found a poor, pitiful dog that desperately needed a home. Neither of us had the capacity to take care of her alone, so we decided to have joint-custody. If I couldn't be with her, he would, and vice versa. By this point we were best friends anyway, so we thought it was a great plan. We started walking the dog every day. Some nights we would walk for an hour or more. This, combined with the fact that I hadn't had a soda with sugar for months, resulted in my pants being too big. I was ecstatic, but when I weighed myself, I still weighed more than I wanted to--around 155. But, it was progress. I had lost weight by eating better and moving.

The Happiest Day!

A few months after we got this dog, my friend and I decided it would be a good idea to get married. So we did. The first year of our marriage was great. We ate fairly healthy foods and we got a gym membership and went four or five times a week. But no matter what I did, every time I weighed, that blasted scale still said 155. I was pretty frustrated. My husband said that he could see a difference, but muscle weighed more than fat. He was right (my clothes did fit differently), but I also knew that I was still bigger than I needed to be.

About a week before our first anniversary, I asked my husband if he would write up a meal plan for me. I told him I wanted to lose weight in a way that was healthy, and in a way that the weight would stay off (as opposed to crash diets that work while you're on them, and then quit working as soon as you start eating regularly again). He assured me over and over again that I was beautiful, but because he knew I wanted it so badly, he wrote the meal plan for me. I was to stay on it for six weeks and weigh myself at the end.

Yesterday was the last day of that meal plan. After six weeks (well, two months if you count my little anniversary-reboot), I no longer am going to make myself eat very specific foods at very specific times. Rather, I'm going to eat healthily, regularly, and I'm going to use my best judgement about what I eat. If anything, this diet has taught me what kind of foods my body needs, and when my body needs them. I'm so grateful for that...but I'm also grateful to not have to worry anymore about drinking a glass of milk, or a double tall latte, if I want one.

My diet's over, but my new lifestyle is just starting. I can't wait prove to myself that I can maintain my new way of living even without a strict diet to follow. The real success in this diet--as my husband said it would be--was proving to myself that food didn't control me and learning how to eat in a better way. The fact that I now weight 140 pounds, a number I haven't even been close to in almost ten years, is just icing on the cake.

2.5 pounds per week, eating healthy foods and exercising.

Take a Stand

I just want to preface this blog with this: 

The word diet has so many negative connotations (I've mentioned that before, I think). However, what we eat is our diet. If that changes, and the foods you can/will eat are limited, that's just a new diet. What I'm about to talk about is my current diet, of which I just began week two of six.

One of the hardest parts about giving yourself a strict diet--one on which you have to eat certain things at certain times of the day, and on which you can't have certain foods--is eating with and/or around other people.

Don't get me wrong, I dislike eating alone. If I'm alone all day (well, before my scheduled six-meals-a-day lifestyle), I could eat maybe once and not even notice that I hadn't had regular meals until my stomach growled. Eating alone just feels weird to me. However, when you're strict with your food consumption, eating with other people can often be very, very difficult.

I've said it before. I'll say it again. I love sugar. I'm sure it's because I've allowed myself to eat sugar for the past 27 years whenever I wanted. I'm sure that I have a mild (yeah right) addiction to it. I'm sure there are a million reasons why I love sugar, but they're all irrelevant, because at the end of the day, all I know is, I love it. I crave it. I battle my desire for it many, many times each day.

On my new diet, I'm allowed very little complex sugar, and no simple sugar. Translation: I get fruit a few times a day, I get vegetables a few times a day, I get just a teensy-weensy bit of milk in my coffee, and I get absolutely no instantly satisfying, hip-widening, belly-fattening chocolatey goodness (except for carbo-load-body-reset day, which happens once every two weeks. You have no idea how much I look forward to that day.).

For a sugar addict, going from simple sugar whenever I wanted to almost no sugar is tough, but it's manageable if you have will power and someone (like a wonderful husband) to support you. However, when you're faced with people around you eating it...it's feels nearly impossible.

I'm not upset with anyone. 

I don't want everyone around me to alter their diets while I'm. 

I'm not judging what they eat (if anything, I'm jealous!) or when they eat it. 

Rather, I'm discouraged with myself, because I can't control my brain enough not to panic a little when I see someone else eat chocolate, or ice cream, or potato chips (I know they're not sweet, but they're carby, which is just as good), or even drink juice. Something in my brains says, "They get it! You should, too!!"

My brain is a big old whiney baby. It needs to shut up.

True, it's tough to not be able to eat what I want when I want it, but it's way tougher to be really out of shape and really over weight. I've struggled my whole life with keeping my weight down, and I'm finally on the path to getting it to a healthy range while getting in shape!

Is it still going to be hard to sit by and watch people eat chocolate or ice cream when I won't let myself? 

Of course. 

Am I still going to crave chocolate chip cookies randomly? 

Yes. 

Am I going to break down and let myself have those foods, just because they would taste good? 

No. 

Two months ago, I would have said yes, but not anymore. For the first time, I'm taking control of what I eat instead of letting it control me. 

Food should be the fuel that keeps us going--nothing more and nothing less. You only get the one body, so give it the fuel it needs. You wouldn't put corn syrup in your car's gas tank, and you can't drive on empty. If you struggle with food-stuff--whether it's eating too much, eating too little, or just eating the wrong things--I encourage you to take a stand and to take care of your body.

Vacation Reboot

Last week was mine and my husband's one year wedding anniversary. We were lucky enough to be able to spend it at Myrtle Beach while his band played a conference. It was a wonderful trip!

However, because we were on vacation, and away from home where my fridge and pantries were stocked with diet-friendly foods, I wasn't able to stick to my new diet/menu...at all.

I'm happy to say that, in most situations, I tried to choose the healthier option, but I didn't stick to my 1200 calorie a day goal, nor did I stick to my portion sizes that Vince wrote out for me.

That being said, I'm rebooting my six-week-plan.

Today is, yet again, day one of my six-week weight-loss plan. Back to measuring foods and choosing foods that will help my body get rid of excess fat.

On the plus side, because I'm restarting my diet, I got to weigh myself before the initial six week mark. After two weeks of this diet, plus just under a week of eating like I did before (not great, but not horribly either) I'd lost 5 pounds!


So, it's back to the carefully-planning-what-I-eat-grind. It's going to be totally worth it in six weeks when, maybe, I look closer to the way I've always wanted to look.