My Love/Hate Relationship with Food

I have a love/hate relationship with food. I understand the purpose of food. We eat food so that our bodies can live, and if we eat the right foods, our bodies will respond in positive ways. I even love to eat food. Give me a big old salad, or some grilled chicken or steak, and I'm a happy girl. The problem comes from the fact that I love food too much, and I love the wrong kinds of food.

I love vegetables, meat, fruits, dairy, juices, snacks, chocolate, candies, ice cream, and soda. I love it all. But I love sugar the most. If you put a box of chocolates down in front of me, and leave me in a room alone with it for a couple of hours, that entire box is going to be empty, and the remnants (bits of chocolate stuck to plastic, and the cardboard box-shell) will have disappeared. No evidence means no crime, right?

I love sugar. 

This is what I hate about food.

When I was younger, I ate what I wanted, and after high school, the pounds were packed on. I tried different diets, but the pull of food was too strong. I would be on my diet for a while, and then, without warning, my resolve would crumble, and I would binge. I've tried moderation, a few pieces of dark chocolate every few nights while I watch a movie, but that just kickstarts something in my brain that craves it more, and more, and more. I'm like a sugar zombie.

Now, after many years and many failed attempts at controlling this addiction, I've come to a place where just the thought of eating certain foods makes me feel guilty.

I think my conscious brain says that I really want the chocolate, or the ice cream, or the peppermint mocha espresso drink, and my subconscious brain responds by flooding me with a feeling of guilt, as if I'd already consumed said sugary treat, which results in my mood swinging way down. So, even without consuming the delicious, fat-building, teeth-decaying food, I feel like I have. This can't be healthy.


Vince and I were in Meijer the other day. We went in to return a movie, and to get a snack to eat while we watched the movie. He grabbed a bar of dark chocolate, and all I could think was, Man, it sure would be nice to have some ice cream. As soon as I thought it, I felt disgusted with myself. What would Vince think if he had a few small pieces of dark chocolate, while I sat there and gorged myself on a minty-chocolatey-dairy concoction? In reality, he'd probably think either that his dark chocolate tasted good, or that the movie we were watching was just okay (it was John Carter. I liked it all right.). But in my head he would be thinking of how utterly disgusting I was for consuming that much sugar.

Needless to say, I didn't buy the ice cream. He offered me some of his dark chocolate and I refused it. And I spent the rest of the night feeling like Fatty McFatterson simply for wanting to eat the ice cream I didn't buy, and his chocolate.

When I eat healthy foods, like grilled chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, and a baked baby red potato, I feel great afterward. When I eat sugary foods, generally I feel like crap afterward. Yet, what do I crave? Sugar.

My goal is to break myself from craving the things that make me feel crappy. I want to, eventually, be able to have ice cream or chocolate on occasion without it being an enormous emotional deal, but right now, that means seriously limiting what I allow myself. It's gotten to the point where, even though I know that eating dinner is best for me, it's hard for me to do it. Luckily, my biology wins out over my brain, and when my tummy growls, I put food in it, but I'm overly aware that I'm eating, and that eating is what can make me fat...I know (which is good) that I'm bordering on a serious eating issue. I was at this place, emotionally, in high school, and I got away from it. I know I can back away from this precipice now, too. But the only way I know how to handle it is to cut out any and all food that might tempt me in a bad way, that way when I eat the good-for-me-foods, there won't be any guilt (because there shouldn't be.).

I don't know if this is the best way to approach this, but I've run out of ideas. If anyone has any ideas, I'd be more than happy to listen.